#96 Going to Therapy

Author

Alex Joshi
December 01, 2024

I think I'm losing my mind. I can't focus on anything. I can't sit still or find a moment of calm at any point in the day. I have always been the most strong-minded, disciplined person I've known, and presently, I have none of that. I am a shadow of myself in every aspect of life. I have no purpose, and I'm just treading water. I've never felt like this before; I struggle to see any way out. I know what I need to do, yet I struggle to execute. I just can't find my drive or focus.

AJ, Journal entry

Greetings from Dubai.

The most beneficial decision I made this year was going to therapy. This is my story.

This post is long. So, I start with the implementation idea: Consider therapy.

Whatever you seek in life, understanding yourself better is always beneficial. Therapy with a professional can open that door, but it doesn't have to be formal. Sharing with loved ones or engaging in deep self-reflection can also help. The key is to open up and explore your inner world. We all carry unresolved issues—our minds and bodies keep score, even if we aren’t aware of it.

Asking for help

It was a Monday morning, and I was sitting on a bench in Canary Wharf, London. I was highly agitated and unable to concentrate. I have always been able to keep any personal issues at the door when going to work, but that was no longer the case. I had left the office multiple times that morning for air and a walk, and nothing was working.

The last few weeks had been challenging, but something about that morning felt different; I felt like I had no control over my mind.

Then I remembered my boss once commenting, "There are lots of resources available for this stuff.”

I work for a large international bank with considerable resources available to support colleagues in all circumstances and challenges, whether professional or personal. The firm has been massively focused on the importance of mental health, reflecting wider society.

I've never paid any attention to it in the context of my own life.

I returned to my desk, checked the wellness portal, found an employee assistance helpline, and called the next day. Standing in a quiet part of a park to avoid being overheard, I explained that I wasn’t sure why I was calling—I just knew I needed help. A supportive advisor guided me through an initial diagnosis, and soon, I began therapy.

I’m quite nervous about this morning. It's not something I ever imagined myself doing. I'm someone who doesn't like asking others for help. I've never done it until recently, but I'm realising that I need it, and it's helpful. I've grown a lot in the last couple of months because I've opened up to family and friends about my thoughts and feelings; it's something I should've done sooner because I've carried a large weight on my shoulders for many years.

AJ

Peeling back the layers

The initial sessions were tough. A few minutes into the first one, I had to try extremely hard not to start crying.

In the 24 to 48 hours following each session, I felt highly emotional, agitated, and often worse than before. I initially sought therapy to address current issues, but we soon explored my past, particularly my childhood and early adolescence. Each weekly drive to my appointments was challenging—I've always seen my mind as my greatest strength, so seeking outside help made me feel extremely weak.

People asked how my sessions were going, whether they were helpful, and if I liked my therapist. My answers were consistent: I couldn’t say I enjoyed them or felt a connection with my therapist, and I wasn’t sure how to judge her effectiveness. Since this was my first experience with therapy, I had no point of comparison. It wasn’t significantly helping with my immediate issues, but I believed it would be beneficial in the long run.

By the end of the sessions, I want to have been able to discuss everything and explore it in a way that, in the future, I can openly talk about my life and the events that have occurred in it without so much emotion attached to it. I no longer want there to be parts of my life which still bring back bad moments or feelings. I don’t want any darkness that affects me or those around me.

AJ

Early on, I could tell that the therapy would be beneficial in the long term because it induced me to look back on my life, draw connections between things, and explain my thoughts and feelings at a deep level.

This is an approach which I have taken and implemented into my life in a big way. Whilst I'd spend an hour each week in the therapist’s chair doing this exercise officially, I was spending many more hours every single day, continuing on this exercise of introspection and reflection. As I discussed last week, I have journalled about my thoughts and feelings every morning for many months.

Why am I feeling unsettled again over the past few days? There is a lot in my head: [proceeds to list them]…

AJ

A greater understanding

I'm aware of my thoughts and feelings to a degree I've never had before. This has been a revelation to me, as I have always been a very deep thinker and reflective person, having journaled for over a decade.

Here's a simple example: We all have good and bad days. Sometimes, we wake up and don't feel great, but this is fine. We go about our day and know it will pass, so we don't place much importance on it. Now, if one of these mornings occurs, I'll sit down during my morning journey session and try to pinpoint it. Which events of the day before contributed? Why?

Even seemingly small things can be more significant than we realise if we let them slip by. I joke with my friends and family that I have never spoken as much about my emotions in my entire life as I have in the last few months.

The therapist identified my need to ‘fix things’ and to be able to move on as quickly as possible. I’m happy to process and experience everything to get over it fully. That’s a big area of growth if I compare it to how I’ve approached things in the past.

AJ

Overcoming the stigma

Therapy still carries stigma. Big men don’t cry, or go to therapy. It can be looked down upon in certain cultures. Some people questioned its value, suggesting I "move on" instead of dwelling on the past, as it just prolongs suffering.

Writing this post is extremely uncomfortable. I’ve been thinking about it for many weeks. It reveals a real moment of adversity. It shows not just my vulnerability but also my weakness. A successful, competitive man doesn’t do that.

At least that’s what I thought.

Opening up, sharing our feelings, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be extremely difficult, particularly for men. It can feel like we are going against our natural instincts.

But keeping things to ourselves is far from proving that we are strong, or that it is some noble act, that people in our culture don’t do that, or whatever story we tell ourselves. Keeping things inside doesn’t make us strong; it harms us and those around us.

Why professional therapy?

You may see the value in opening up more for many reasons but resist the idea of a professional therapist. Why not just make a concerted effort to be more open with loved ones or yourself? After all, therapy can be expensive.

I agree. Most of my significant breakthroughs occurred outside of therapy sessions, during walks, gym sessions, and ‘self-therapy’ journaling sessions.

However, I wouldn’t have had those breakthroughs if it wasn’t for the process of deep introspection that the first therapy session sparked. Many of my avenues of reflection came about because of my therapist's comments or observations.

The therapist drew links to the past after my reflections on how I closed up over time, and has observed closing up as my coping mechanism with difficulties, as that’s what I did when I was younger. But something that helped you survive in one chapter of your life may not necessarily serve you well in another chapter.

AJ

A therapist will put you on the spot and ask you uncomfortable questions that you are unlikely to have been asked before. They will likely observe and teach you things about yourself that only professional training could bring about.

They will also be able to diagnose conditions or direct you to the appropriate professional by spotting signs during your sessions. In my case, this came about mid-way through my sessions when my therapist mentioned depression for the first time and recommended I speak to my doctor. A few days later, a clinical diagnosis followed.

I am resistant to even taking paracetamol when I’m ill; I’d have never gone to the doctor if it wasn’t for my therapist’s observation and suggestion.

I had the appointment last week, and unsurprisingly, I was diagnosed with reactive depression and severe anxiety. How do I feel about it? It hasn’t changed much in the sense that it was expected; whilst I’m struggling, my mind still works, and I am highly aware of what is currently up with me. Nonetheless, it's still significant to be diagnosed with a mental health condition. If it were something physical, I would immediately take whatever I was given or do whatever was ordered, so I need to do things to recover from this diagnosis.

I’m not going to go on antidepressants or take any calming things, for various reasons: [lists them..]

So, if I refuse that help, it is my duty to do whatever is within my control to help myself. I know I’m trying hard, but I could be doing more, and that’s on me. From today, I will finally focus 100% on doing everything I can to help myself.

So, what does that involve?:

-Sleeping well, eating well, training well

-Morning walks, even when the weather changes

-Breathing exercises when I’m feeling overwhelmed

-Keep my mind occupied with new experiences that bring me joy

-Do one thing every day to bring me closer to my goals

-Spend time with the people who care about me, and reach out to them in the moments I’m feeling low

-Do everything I can to change my thoughts when I find myself going back over the past

-Force myself to keep to my commitments

-Minimise time on social media

-Remind myself every single morning of this list

AJ

Growing pains

The process of therapy is not easy. Peeling back the layers can bring to the surface things that make you feel like you’re taking a step back, not forward. But through it comes growth.

In September, I wrote about the lasting impacts of trauma, and it's the therapy which led me to choose that book to read and explore those concepts. I’ve realised how connected everything is.

The road to recovery is not linear, and yesterday, there was a bump. After dinner, I felt a lot of sadness come over me. It was nothing more than sadness, but as I watched Netflix, a sad scene caused me to cry. It was sad but not enough to make me cry normally, so it was obviously deeper. It's been a couple of weeks at least since I last cried, and it was only for a minute or so, so I guess that's a positive, as at some point I was crying multiple times a day, every day, for very long periods. It’s wild. I've cried more in a few months than I’ve done in my entire life up to this point, and that is a good thing, feeling it and letting it out.

I've never had that view that a man shouldn’t be seen crying, but I probably have held back tears over my lifetime because I've closed myself off to not show weakness. So, whilst people around me would probably be very concerned to know I cried yesterday, as from their perspective, they’ll think, how are you still crying all these months later? I will roll with the emotions when they come, because that's how you heal properly. I'm beginning to realise that most people carry with them things that they haven't dealt with fully, and that's not healthy. I'm not going to shy away from this.

AJ

Healing

And things got better. I could tell from the smile on my therapist's face during the sessions that I was overcoming my demons. I noticed how quickly past an inflexion point that sessions became more about me updating the therapist on all the learnings and advances I’d made on my own since the last session. We started to space the sessions out more, and one day, with a smile, my therapist said, “Alex, it’s clear you don't need me anymore”.

Yesterday marked the end of the therapy chapter, at least this one. It was a transformative experience and the best thing I’ve done in 2024.

This period will lead to lasting changes that will serve me well for the rest of my life. I am far more in tune with my thoughts and feelings, more open and closer to people, and have a more balanced view of life. This will allow me to navigate life more effectively. I’m all about self-development and growth, and I now have a new area of my life to work on.

It was nice to see the therapist smiling a lot as I talked yesterday, as she could see the progress I’ve made since I saw her a few weeks ago. She said I’ve grown a lot, built a lot of resilience, and now have the tools to handle things alone. She complimented me on fully immersing myself in the process and really doing the work. People usually have one thing happen and fall apart, and I’ve had multiple things happen in one year, pretty much simultaneously.

I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. She commented that, in the beginning, I wanted to fix things and move on as quickly as possible, but now I see the importance of giving myself time and space to work through things properly, which is a positive change. The first event opened the doors to unpacking a lot of things, and I was dealing with a lot all at once, which probably brought on depression. But I conquered it myself without the need for any interventions.

Some of the things I felt at the start were so negative that I could not see a way out. Yet, I'm here, still standing, much stronger as a result, and I’m smiling again. I haven’t just gotten through this year; I’ve grown massively through what I’ve tackled during this process. I now really understand myself and how things have shaped me, allowing me to face the world more effectively.

The word compassion was used frequently by those around me and the therapist, and I finally get it. I understand the need to have compassion for oneself and what it actually means. I start every day now thinking about my needs before anything else, and I’m improving at expressing my needs and wants to others. By doing this, I respect myself more.

I’ve made jumps in understanding where things went wrong earlier this year. It still hurts to think about the outcome and make these revelations after the fact, but that is now the past. It’s been an extremely costly and painful way to experience this growth, but I guess I had to go through the process to reach this outcome. I didn’t let this stop me from doing the work and feeling grateful for the positives.

I’ve grown much closer to those around me because of this. It started whilst we were all pretty much living in the hospital, but it really took off in the following months after everything else came crashing down. By being more in tune with my feelings, I’m far more in tune with those around me. The comments that people have been making recently have been very nice.

The work hasn’t stopped, though. I’ve made lots of progress and made lots of jumps, but this is now a solid base for further progress, for delving deeper into different things over time. I’ve gotten back to baseline and raised that baseline, but it's now time to get exactly what I want, to live my life exactly on the terms that I want.

Life doesn't have to be a struggle, a continuous war with myself and the world. It is a choice to make it so, to believe it is the only way to get what you truly want. The alternative is to just choose happiness and be content in the here and now. Yes, you can want more, but you don't need to be dissatisfied with life until you get there. It's okay to slow down and smile about today. Because the reality is that there is a lot to smile about. Gratitude.

Manifestation isn’t about getting what you want; it's about becoming who you need to be to receive it.

AJ

It’s good to talk

So, this is my story.

I shared it with a friend who, as a result, started her therapy journey, so I write this post in the hope that it can help others too. Please share it with anyone it could help.

I'm here if you want me to share more insight or ask any questions.

It’s good to talk.

Finally, thank you for supporting Plane Thoughts with your attention and engagement in 2024.

I wish you a successful end to the year, and I will be back in 2025.

— AJ