#113: Deserving better

Happy Sunday! This post came together over breakfast, looking out at the Duomo in Milan, when Lola Young’s ‘Messy’ started playing uncensored, and the lyrics caught my attention.

“'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean, you told me, ‘Get a job,‘ and you ask where the hell I've been. And I'm too perfect, 'Til I open my big mouth, I want to be me, Is that not allowed?”

A simple line, but one that captures that quiet ache of not being chosen for who you are, of living up to expectations that were never your own.

There comes a point in all our lives where we feel like we aren’t getting what we deserve, that we’re offering more than we’re receiving. Why don’t people see our value? Why aren’t our efforts met with the recognition or reward we expect?

The science

It is not a nice feeling, and understandably so. Across disciplines, the theme is consistent: being valued is not a luxury; it is a biological necessity.

• Neurological: The brain treats social rejection like physical pain; being valued activates reward circuits that stabilise mood and motivation.

• Evolutionary: Belonging once determined survival, so being valued still signals safety while being overlooked triggers threat.

• Behavioural: Our identity depends on feedback loops; misalignment between how we see ourselves and how others respond creates internal friction.

• Attachment: We first learn our worth through early responsiveness; as adults we still long to be chosen for who we are, not who we perform.

A ‘they’ problem

We have a tendency to frame and view this as a “they” problem. Others don’t see our worth; others don’t compensate us fully. The world feels unfair, and we seem to absorb the cost. But even when our frustration is justified, sitting in that narrative alone keeps us passive.

A degree of personal responsibility is required. You can’t make anyone do anything, but you can ensure that you’re demonstrating the value you bring, and that you’re forthcoming about what you believe you deserve.

Ultimately, no one has your best interests at heart more than you.

I’m reminded of a point the entrepreneur Alex Hormozi regularly makes: ‘Nobody knows you exist, so you need to advertise more’. Most people are far less focused on us than we imagine. It means we have to show the world who we are with clarity rather than hoping we’ll be discovered.

Visibility isn’t braggadocio.

Reflections of desire

Every one of us holds the depth of an ocean, but depth means little if no one knows where to enter. For others to explore what’s beneath the surface, they need a sense of what treasures might be down there, and the right conditions to be able to get in. Creating those conditions is on us.

At a gallery this weekend, I found a large mirror tucked away in a quiet corner, and it reminded me of the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter. For those of you who have made the grave error of never having read HP, this secret mirror reflects your innermost desires.

But desire without articulation stays trapped as fantasy. If you’re not looking at yourself hard enough to visualise and name what you want, how can anyone else recognise it and grant your wishes?

Implementation idea

1. What exactly do you want and feel you deserve that you’re not receiving?

2. What could you do this week to demonstrate that you deserve it?

3. What support or resources could bring you closer to it?

The life you want and deserve isn’t abstract. It becomes real the moment you begin showing the world who you are.

Go out and get it.

— AJ

On my bedside table:

📖 Non-fiction: Four Thousand Weeks: Time and how to use it, by Oliver Burkeman

💬 Quote: “La vita è un viaggio. Chi viaggia vive due volte.”

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