This week a conversation ended with someone suggesting I temper my expectations. It landed badly, and I spent some time questioning whether they were right. Was I being unrealistic?
Satisfaction in any domain of life comes from outcomes versus expectations. It is not necessarily the outcomes themselves, but how they compare with what we thought they would be. If that gap is making you unhappy, lowering your expectations is a rational response. If the expectations were never realistic in the first place, the argument gets stronger still.
But this is mainly applicable to domains where you are a spectator to the outcome. The weather, the market, other people's behaviour. Where you control the inputs, the logic inverts, because expectations are not just the yardstick for the outcome; they help produce it. In psychology this is called self-efficacy: the belief that you can do a thing changes what you attempt, how long you persist, and consequently what you achieve.
Unrealistic expectations, in that sense, are a necessity. Without them, entrepreneurs would not start the businesses that change the world, and athletes would not become the best in their sport. Our lives are much richer because someone refused to temper their expectations of what they were capable of.
The precedent
In the UK, sixth formers preparing for university typically study four subjects in the first year and drop to three in the second. I kept four. Then, returning from the Christmas break of my final year, I told my teachers I wanted to pick up a fifth, further maths, and complete the full two-year course in the months that remained. I had not got into Cambridge, and I was determined to do something that would make that result very difficult to repeat.
I was shut down immediately. My timetable was full, my grades would suffer, and my proposal to teach myself the course alongside everything else was seen as a completely unrealistic expectation. This week I dug out the reference those same teachers later wrote for me:
I have known Alex since September 2007, when he joined Watford Grammar School for Boys to study in the sixth form. I was head of mathematics and one of Alex’s maths teachers in both the lower sixth and upper sixth form. Alex studied A2 in computing, economics, mathematics, further mathematics and physics and Spanish at AS.
On joining the school it was immediately clear that Alex was a student of the highest calibre. He was academically very able in each of his subjects but most importantly he had a thirst for knowledge and studied each of his subject to a depth beyond that required by the syllabus. At AS Alex achieved A grades in each subject and again at A2 he gained the highest grade in each of the 5 subjects he studied. He also received school prizes in computing and applied economics.
At mathematics Alex showed real flair. He was determined to succeed and was always quick to understand and apply new topics accurately. He willingly participated in classroom discussions and his written work was well presented revealing a good depth of knowledge and an appreciation of the need for rigour. In the lower sixth Alex studied 3 modules and completed an AS in mathematics. In the upper sixth form he chose to study the 9 modules required to gain A2s in mathematics and further mathematics. This was a bold decision as it meant studying a complete A-level with 6 modules on top of the other 4 subjects he was studying in the upper sixth form. Timetabling constrains meant that Alex had to teach himself most of the further maths modules with very little input from teachers. Alex thrived on this challenge and gained an A in further maths (the A* grade do not exist at this time) without the grades in his other subjects being compromised. Alex excelled at each of the different branches of maths but was especially strong at pure maths.
His teachers in other subjects all spoke highly of Alex. His economics teachers found him to be a mature, thoughtful and conscientious student. He scored excellent marks throughout, with a maximum mark in the market failure module, and an overall score of 98%. He read around the subject and participated as captain of the school team for the Bank of England Target 2.0 challenge. He produced a strongly constructed, rigorously researched and well argued essay on the ramifications of the credit crunch for the UK economy and his A grade at A2 was very well deserved. In computing, Alex was outstanding and achieved excellent exam results scoring an impressive 105 maximum UMS in one of his AS modules, and 95% overall. His programming project was particularly impressive, including code testing well beyond A-level standard and his A2 grade A result was no surprise. At physics, Alex was conscientious and he developed a complete and in depth understanding of the subject. He was quick to grasp new ideas and synthesise concepts. Alex’s many contributions to class discussions were impressive. He was able to apply his mathematical knowledge to good effect in lessons and in experiments he worked thoughtfully and logically…
…As a sixth former Alex was a mature, polite and responsible young man. He was a highly driven individual, exceptionally self-motivated and highly intelligent. All of his teachers considered him to have great potential. At Watford Boys each year we have many talented students who gain impressive A-levels and go on to succeed to top universities. Within his cohort Alex was one of the best students. I have every confidence that he has the qualities to succeed academically to a very high level.
Your own record
I recognise this is a single data point, and one very specific to me. But rereading it this week did something no reassurance from anyone else could have done. It reminded me that my expectations from life have always looked unrealistic from the outside, and that I have always put in the work to ensure the outcomes aligned to them.
Nowadays I have many conversations with people weighing big changes in their careers and lives, and a recurring theme is self-doubt. People with great ability lacking the confidence to set expectations that sound unrealistic. In those conversations I always point to the same place: the precedent they have already set. Almost everyone has a version of the reference sitting somewhere in their past.
So if you are doubting yourself this week, here’s a nudge to not argue with the doubt. Instead, go and find your evidence. You have been unrealistic before, and it worked out.
— AJ
On my bedside table
📚 Fiction · The forty rules of love — Elif Shafak
💬 Quote · "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" — George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903)
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